My children

It is a little over cast, my precious Koi are out for the day, some of them anyway, I don’t expect to win any prizes for them, I still adore them with or without a rosette. But my Koi aren’t the only thing missing this week. Grayson is away, and his absence takes me back to the 3 years he spent traveling when I had no idea where he was or what he was doing. It is true I know exactly where he is today, but I still feel incomplete. I have often been accused or having favourites with my children, which is entirely untrue I love all my babies in different ways and for different reasons.
Hillary is my first born, I became a mother for the first time with him, I got to experience all the wonders of motherhood, all the “firsts”, he is a miniature Leopold, a ‘chip off the old block’. Although he is more like his father then he will ever be like me, I love him beyond doubt.He was never an affectionate boy from age 3 he no longer wanted to be cuddled or kissed or sit on my knee.
As a boy Hillary would complain that I loved Rosalynne more then him, and after she left us, he still complained. It was in due part to the fact that all I had of my baby girl were memories, and a couple of photos. I had to keep talking about her, because, I was scared that with time I would forget her, forget her little dimples, her giggle her sweet smell.
A part of me died when Rosa did, and I became empty I never thought I would ever fill the void again.
And as I apprehensively looked forward to Hillary going to university, feeling lost and useless, as if my time was up, I had Grayson. He was always a challenge, so stubborn, but such a delight.
I remember when he was about 18 months old, he would try to climb the stair case, one by one, and it didn’t matter how long it took him, or how many times he fell or how often Nanny would scoop him up and stop him, he would always go back and try again.
Hillary was away at school, Leopold was working as usual, and all I had was my Grayson, Baby Gray we called him, such a beautiful baby. We were soon joined by Sophie, Gray was 4 by then, and already quite the little artist, of course my paranoia played a huge part in his life, for it was at four that we had lost Rosa, and as if we were cursed, Baby Gray ( we called him that until he was about 10! and implored us to stop ) almost drowned in a swimming pool while playing with his older cousins.
Half an hour after the ambulance had left, he wanted to get back into the pool! He is fearless!
He shares my love of literature, poetry, art, photography and gardening, he is not my favourite son, he is my best friend, we share so many common interests, I don’t love him as a child more then Hillary or Sophie, but I love him for the wonderful artistic person that he is, for the good friend he has always been to me.
When he is away I feel like a part of me is missing, if anything were to happen to him, I don’t think I could survive losing another child. Rosa’s loss devastated me, and we had only shared 4 years I never really got to know her.I have shared a quarter of a century with Baby Gray, he is a huge part of my life.
Sophie as all girls are, is bubbly and carefree, as a child we were very close, but somehow there is the time in a mother/daughter relationship, where something happens a split of some kind, and suddenly everything she wears is inappropriate, everything you say is tyrannical, and you grow apart.
Sophie was the easiest to handle, she wasn’t stubborn like Gray or standoffish like Hillary, she was adorable and clingy, we did everything together, and I dreamed of the day we would go shopping , plan parties, design her wedding gown. But we are so far way from each other now, and I don’t just mean the distance between CT and Joburg.
We are both to blame, it seems as if she makes decisions she knows will bother me , just to bother me, and I am always criticising those decisions. I wonder if we will ever have back the harmony we once had.
I am proud of all of my children and I love them all dearly more then I have words for.


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